his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
