I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
