It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize