Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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