My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
