I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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