It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
