Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
