i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
