i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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