there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
