and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
