Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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