I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
