Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
