In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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