Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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