I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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