I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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