Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
