i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
