3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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