Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
