i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
