I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
