Your face is a jimmy john
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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