More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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