he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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