I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize