I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
