Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
