If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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