wat bout pragnant strippers??
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
