Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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