these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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