We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
