I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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