i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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