If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Blood and glitter go together right?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
