I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
