I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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