toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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