That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
