Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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