My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
