i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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