What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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