My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
