Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
