i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
