can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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