Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
