I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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