I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
