I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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