Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i permit you to call me
operation harelip BJ is a go
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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