I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
