you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
