I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
