My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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