Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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