this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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