planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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