I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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