Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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