When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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