Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
